A designer’s blog that almost gets it right

Posted on May 15, 2012 by Ernest Adams

Today I visited the blog of a clothing designer who offers some wedding advice. For you who are planning to get married, I suggest that you buy his clothes and take his wedding advice with a grain of salt (or maybe a whole salt shaker full). For him, my best advice is to stick to what he knows and not give advice which includes things which are not legal.

Here are my takes on his advice, with his Site’s advice within quotation marks:
1. “There are four basic types of vow exchanges.” Sorry. There as many kinds of vows as there are people getting married. (Notice that I didn’t say “couples”, I said “people”. Not every couple has identical vows for both people!) Your vows should be unique, just as you are unique. When we meet I will ask you what kind of flavor you have in mind for your ceremony, and from there we will work on your vows.

2. “Interview a few prospective officiants.” What is “a few”?r A dozen?r Half a dozen?r Most officiants will be willing to spend some time talking with you, and I will be happy to sit down with you for a planning session. Spending a few minutes on the phone with a potential officiant should give you a good idea whether it is worth your time and theirs to meet in person. For most couples, we spend about an hour in a face-to-face meeting after we have spoken on the phone. Of course, there are always follow-ups, too!

3. “Explain your ideas to the officiant up front.” Hooray! Great advice! Tell me what you want. It’s your wedding; I’m here to help.

4. “Know and abide [by] the rules of your place of worship.” More good advice! Whether you get married in your place of worship or in a state park, we must obey the rules. When we talk on the phone we will discuss the rules that your wedding site has. Because I often officiate at Harkness, for example, I can tell you a couple of rules that the management is very strict about enforcing.

5. “Answer the officiant’s questions.” Well, yes and no. Some questions are important (“Will you each be giving and receiving a ring?”) and others are purely social (“How did you two meet?”). I will not ask you a lot of the questions listed on the designer’s list, such as “Why did you decide to get married?”. It’s your decision, and it’s none of my business! I’m not a counselor. You contacted me because you two decided to get married. Now it is up to me to help you have the best wedding ceremony possible. Period.

6. “Listen to the officiant’s suggestions.” Yes, as long as you treat them as just that: suggestions. It is your wedding. You decide. I suggest.

7. “Look elsewhere if the officiant isn’t receptive to your ideas.” Also good advice. Your ideas should be the heart of your wedding ceremony. Your ideas may spark suggestions, but that’s what they are: suggestions. I will never tell you “You can’t ….”

Elsewhere of the designer’s Site he suggests having no officiant, but instead having a group of people witness your vows and sign the contract. That may be legal in some state, but not in Connecticut. In Connecticut you can elope with just the three of us, or have a wedding with hundreds of guests, or somewhere in between, but an officiant is a legal requirement.

Looking forward to talking with you soon to decide if we’re a match for each other!

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What do they say instead of “Kiss the bride” at gay weddings?

Posted on April 15, 2012 by Ernest Adams

This question keeps coming up in various forms, so it is time to answer it.

As has been discussed often, I treat all couples alike. For me at least, there are not “gay weddings” and “straight weddings”, there are only weddings. Period.

Different couples want to have different things said at their ceremonies, during the beginning, middle, and end. No two weddings are exactly the same. One recent couple wanted “You may now kiss your handsome groom.” Frequently I say “… seal the promises … with a kiss.”, leaving out both the word “bride” and the word “groom”, as well as the words “wife” and “husband”. “… kiss your beautiful bride.” is requested some of the time, too.

Can you tell which expression was used at an opposite-sex wedding and which at a same-sex wedding?r No; you can’t. And that’s my whole point. Equality for everyone is more than just an idea; it my idea of customer service.

When we meet for a planning session, you’ll be given choices. Many, many choices. The next-to-last choice you’ll have is “Is the wording … what you’d like as an introduction to the kiss, or would you prefer …, or would you like me to say something else?”

As with every part of your wedding ceremony, it’s your choice!

Looking forward to discussing your choices for your ceremony,
Ernest

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JP Wedding Myths

Posted on March 29, 2012 by Ernest Adams

Just a few minutes ago on Google+ I read a Post that began “Which is better a traditional wedding or Justice of the Peace?” Unfortunately, that Post continues to promote several myths and stereotypes that are outdated (if they were ever true!). This Post will attempt to explain why some perceptions may be no longer accurate. By “traditional” I assume that the writer means a wedding in a church, synagogue, mosque, et cetera; in other words a religion-based ceremony.

First, however, I must state my very strong personal belief: If you and your fiance are religious people and are considering whether to have your wedding in your place of worship, then I urge you to consult with your clergy person. Having a Justice of the Peace as your wedding officiant is not for everyone. I support every person’s right to their own beliefs and would never encourage anyone to choose me over their own religious leader.

Now, the myths: 1. You can have more guests at a traditional wedding. Sorry; no. It has been my honor to officiate at weddings with more than 200 guests. “JP wedding” does not equal “limited guest list”.

2. You can’t have photos, videos, and stories at a JP wedding. Nothing could be further from the truth. Your guests can take pictures, your professional photographer(s) can take stills and video, and there’ll be lots of great stories to tell. In fact, each engaged couple is encouraged to tell their love story (how they met, fell in love, and about the proposal) as part of their wedding ceremony. Professional photographers know how to be invisible, what specific shots you’re going to love, and where to be when.

3. “You and your soulmate are able to dress up and are treated like true [royalty]“. Of course! You must be able to wear what you want to your own wedding. If you are not treated with dignity and respect, you’ve got the wrong officiant! Your wedding day is exactly that: Your wedding day. Whether you want to wear a pair of jeans or a dazzling wedding gown, a tuxedo or shorts, it is your choice.

4. Traditional weddings are very expensive. Well, it depends. Any wedding, traditional or DIY, can be as expensive as you would like it to be. You can usually use your place of worship for a nominal fee, wear clothes you already own, exchange simple rings, have a potluck reception (or food cooked by family), and you’ll spend less than $1,000. On the other hand, you can rent a fancy place, have a orchestra for the ceremony, buy all new clothes that you’ll never wear again, purchase rings for enough money to feed a small nation for a day, have a $250 per person sit-down dinner for 400 guests, and have top of the line entertainment for your reception.

5. “Planning a traditional wedding can be very stressful.” Sure, if you try to do everything yourself, any wedding will be stressful. That’s why you hire a professional officiant, a professional photographer, a professional DJ, …. A professional wedding planner may save you from all stress, and save you money, too. You get what you pay for.

6. Other people (well-meaning friends and family) will try to take over. Another reason to use professionals. We won’t let anyone highjack your planning. My contract says “In the event of a third-party payer, the Couple is solely responsible for making decisions and communicating with the Officiant.” In other words, you are in charge. Other people can offer advice, but your decision is final.

7. “The average cost associated with a JOP ceremony is approximately $XXX.” Justice of the Peace fees vary widely, depending on the services offered, the degree of customization, and years of experience. You can find a JP for $50. The JP may show up, may be sober, and may give you a canned, one-size-fits-all ceremony. Probably not where you want to save a few dollars.

8. “You are only allowed to have 2 witnesses and 2 guests at these ceremonies.” Sorry; simply not true. Connecticut does not require witnesses; I never limit the number of guests, nor does my fee increase if you add 100 extra guests. You receive the same amount of attention and homework whether you are eloping or have 350 guests.

No matter whether you choose a “traditional’ wedding or me as your officiant, I wish you a joy-filled day!

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Best Man 101 – Part 2

Posted on March 17, 2012 by Ernest Adams

Last time we talked about being a Best Man we talked about the wedding rings (Best Man 101 – Part 1). Now, just a few words about some other pre- and post-ceremony responsibilities of the Best Man.

Your biggest responsibility as the Best Man is to help keep your friends’ wedding as stress-free as possible. One way you can do that is to take responsibility for making sure the other Groomsmen are all ready on time, with ties tied and boutonnieres pinned on. Another is helping the Groom get dressed. That means helping him look his best, from straightening his tie to making sure his shoes are tied. When it is time for the Groom, you, and his Groomsmen to start down the aisle, you should be sure that everyone is standing in the right place, in the right order. Reminding them to smile as they are walking is A Good Idea.

Your friend the Groom should not have to worry about whether the candles for the candle ceremony, the cords for the handfasting, or the sand and containers for the sand ceremony are in place. In other words, the Best Man should take charge of any items necessary during the ceremony; in the theater they would be called “props”. Knowing that all he has to do is walk in and wait for his Bride will make your friend’s life much easier.

During the ceremony, you will literally be the Groom’s right hand man. You’ll have the Bride’s ring, of course. Smiling will be important! It is very likely that you will be in a lot of the pictures that the guests take, and probably in a lot of the photos that the professional photographer takes. Being seen to be happy for your friends is part of your job as Best Man.

After the ceremony, you should take the lead in gathering up everything that has to be taken from the ceremony area. The Groom should never have to worry about how the unity ceremony components get from the ceremony location to the head table (or sweetheart table) at the reception venue. Of course you don’t have to do everything yourself! You should feel free to enlist all the Groomsmen to help. The Bride and Groom should be free to greet their guests.

Are your friends having a do-it-yourself wedding? If so, then your help is especially important. Planning who will take care of which details will go a long way in making your friends’ wedding day go smoothly.

What about toasts for the reception?r There are many sources for good wedding reception toasts on the Internet. As always, the focus of this blog is on the ceremony, not the bachelor party, reception, or speeches.

Good luck! Please let me know how I can help you help your friends’ wedding go flawlessly.

Until next time,
Ernest
(860) 543-2334

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Wedding Rings: Gold? Silver? Wood?

Posted on March 14, 2012 by Ernest Adams

Here’s a radical concept: It doesn’t matter whether you choose gold, silver, wood, steel, or glass for your wedding rings.

Your wedding rings will be a daily reminder of your wedding vows. Sure, you want them to look nice; that’s why they’re classified as jewelry. Admire the rings of a couple that have been married for a very long time, then ask a few questions about where they bought the rings, how long before the wedding, et cetera. Chances are that the couple will not easily remember those details. Then ask how they felt when they put the rings on each others hands. Their responses will probably be immediate, and quite clear.

There are exceptions, of course. Dennis was a submarine sailor when he and Sandy became engaged. Before he went to sea, he determined the size of Sandy’s ring finger and got two stainless steel nuts. While Sandy was sewing her wedding dress on shore, Dennis used a small file to make the two nuts exactly the right size for Sandy’s and his fingers by filing away the threads. He also filed away most of the flat parts, so that there were two bars going around the finger and several vertical bars linking them together. Sandy and Dennis had a real do-it-yourself wedding, including writing their own vows.

Connecticut law does not require one or more wedding rings for a marriage to be legal. Some couples choose not to exchange rings during their wedding ceremony. That’s their choice! Sometimes when couple elopes, they will have a simple ceremony for their legal wedding, and have a bigger social ceremony later on. They may choose to exchange rings at their social ceremony, exchanging the same vows, or different vows that explicitly mention the rings.

So, whether you choose gold rings, wooden rings, one ring or two rings, or no rings at all, you’ll still be just as married. And you’ll always remember the day that you said “I do” to the love of your life, and slipped a ring on that precious finger. May you remember the joy and love you felt on your wedding day every time that you touch your rings.

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Why there’s no “Contact Us” Page

Posted on March 10, 2012 by Ernest Adams

You won’t find a “Contact Us” on this Site for two reasons: There’s no commitment on your part when you ask questions; You will get answers much more quickly by phone than email.

You don’t need more messages in your email. You won’t be asked for your phone number until you and I have made an appointment to meet in person, or I have to call you back with answers to specific questions. When we meet in person I may ask you for your email address. You have every right to say “No.”

I do not send out email newsletters. You are unique, and your wedding will be unique. There’s no need for one-size-fits-all newsletters, which usually amount to extra advertising!

When you call (860) 543-2334, you talk directly to the person who would be officiating at your wedding, if you chose me. I do not have a “team” of officiants or “associates”. If there is another wedding scheduled near the time of your ceremony, I will recommend another officiant that I know will do a good job for you. I am not a referral service; I do not receive any money form anyone I recommend, nor would I accept it if offered.

You are welcome to call me at (860) 543-2334 from 8 in the morning until at least midnight. There are no questions too trivial! I love to help people have the best wedding possible, and it is a pleasure to answer questions.

Looking forward to hearing from you soon,
Ernest

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Valentines Day is less than a month away!

Posted on January 26, 2012 by Ernest Adams

Valentines Day remains one of the most popular days of the year for popping the question. Plan ahead! Most people don’t need help asking “Will you marry me?” or suggestions for romantic locations. If you are ready to get married, and you think that your sweetheart is ready to say “Yes!”, then take a few hours and think through your proposal. Maybe making a few notes will help you with the process of deciding where and when to propose.

Will you propose on Valentines Day? Valentines Day 2012 comes on a Tuesday. Will your proposal take place during breakfast? Over lunch? Or how about a romantic dinner for two? Please be sure to make your reservations soon! A lot of restaurants offer Valentines Day specials, and the nicer places tend to fill up their reservations quickly. Here’s some other random advice: Don’t go somewhere you haven’t thoroughly checked out. Several years ago I made reservations at a place known for good food and great service. Unfortunately, the quality of both food and service had gone down hill since the last time I’d been there, and we did not have a pleasant evening.

In addition, Valentines Day is the closing day for submissions to the Trivia Contest (http://nutmegjusticeofthepeace.com/blog/?p=83)! Either enjoy a lot of coffee or get a substantial discount on your wedding ceremony. Just follow the link for complete details.

Best wishes for a happy Valentines Day,
Ernest

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Copying of content is prohibited by law / Help for other bloggers

Posted on January 16, 2012 by Ernest Adams

This entire Web Site is copyrighted material, including every Post in this blog. NO permission is granted for anyone to copy or use the design, any of the written content or graphics, including photographs. You are welcome to call Ernest Adams at (860) 543-2334 if you would like to discuss having me write something for your use. Otherwise, legal action will be taken if anything is taken or used without permission.

If you have your own blog, or are thinking of starting one, and would like help, I would be happy to help you however I can. If you have a blog that would be beneficial to couples getting married I would be happy to link to your blog as long as your Site and blog do not advertise or recommend wedding officiants who compete with me. You are welcome to leave a Comment or call me at (860) 543-2334.

If you would like to be a guest blogger, write your first entry as a Comment or call me at (860) 543-2334 to discuss it. All guest Posts will receive direct author credit and a link to the author’s Site, if desired, as long as the Site does not advertise or recommend people who compete with me.

Every Comment on every Post is screened before being approved or deleted. Genuine comments or constructive criticism is welcome. Spam is not. Please do not waste your time and mine.

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Best Man 101 – Part 1

Posted on December 23, 2011 by Ernest Adams

If you are responsible for the bride’s wedding ring (and it is very likely that you will be), the very best place for her ring is on your little finger. (We’ll talk in detail about this at the rehearsal, and I’ll show you some tricks to make sure the ring is invisible.) You will help your friends have a stress-free wedding.

Never, ever, put the ring box in your pocket! It would bulge (the bulge would look terrible in photos), and the box would be difficult to get out of the pocket.

Don’t put the ring in your pocket, either. It would be harder to get out than you think.

If you keep your hands at your sides, nobody will notice that you’ve got an extra ring on your little finger. People will be looking at your smiling face, not your hands.

The biggest wedding ring faux pas is pretending that you can’t find the ring. It is not funny. It is not original. Patting all of your pockets in a pantomime of “I know it’s here somewhere!” isn’t going to amuse your friend the groom, his bride, or the rest of the wedding party. The only purpose that would be served it to turn the spotlight from the bride and groom (where it belongs; it’s their wedding) onto the best man. Playing “I can’t find the ring.” will cause stress for everyone at a time when everyone should be happy and things should flow smoothly.

Questions are always welcome!

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Happy holidays to all!

Posted on December 21, 2011 by Ernest Adams

May 2012 bring you joy.

Thank you to everyone who leaves real comments. The praise, the questions, and the constructive feedback are all appreciated!

For the rest, you must understand that every comment is read and either approved or deleted.

No comments that offer custom tee shirts, ways to make hundreds of dollars per day, or other spam will ever be approved. Save your time and mine.

Looking forward to your wedding,
Ernest

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